apres les virus la gratitude

The last week was not a good one. I have been whipped like a sick dog, walked over, bitch-slapped and sicked-on by something I couldn't even see (hmm reminds me of some of my ex-boyfriends) and it's all going to end with me having something I don't want pushed down my throat (yep, that's familiar too). In short - I caught a virus. In just 12 hours - I went from having a small cold to vomiting so hard I had to hold onto the toilet bowl to stop myself being thrown across the bathroom by the force of the heaving. I haven't left the house in 8 days. And I can't even think of drinking coffee.

The doc has no idea what it is. But he dosed me effectively and and has recommended a gastroscopy to try and get a picture of my insides. Lucky me.

No really. Lucky me. This week has given me a deep lesson in gratitude. I can't imagine what it must be like to get that sick and to have no bed to go to, no warmth to cover you. No roof over your head to keep you dry. No toilet in walking distance. No fresh water, no access to a doctor, no money for medicine, no brother to look after you, no family or friends to call and check on you, No fresh foods to help rebuild your strength.

The lack of any one of those would have made the last 8 days hard. The lack of half of them - a nightmare. The lack of all of them unthinkable.

And so many people live without these things. I've got a touch of the after-virus blues right now. And those thoughts make me a bit teary. And a lot grateful.

There's many a s-lip

This afternoon I was at the gym: stretching on my yoga mat, when a gym cougar hove into view. There's a few of them at the institute: girls in their very late 40's, in damn good nick, who prowl around flirting with the 20-something trainer boys.   

The gym cougars are always in full hair and make-up.  They wear the latest Nike's and strap i-pod nanos to their forearms.  They get the young guys to spot them on free-weights or to hold the boxing bag.  They're seemingly oblivious to wrinkled skin on their inner arms, or the wattle on the back of their thighs.  I've got to be honest, I am fascinated:  it's like watching your mum get drunk on sherry and can-can at your engagement party.   

This cougar's wearing teeny-weenie tie-dyed booty shorts and a matching vest. For those of you who don't know what booty shorts are - check out any rap video happening poolside. Those tiny little short shaped bikini bottoms ... dem's booty shorts.   

She mounts one of those big inflated gym balls, centres herself, lays back and splays her legs into a wide V.  I'm trapped, sitting about three feet away and facing her ... eye to eye with her va-jay-jay.  I'm a bit panicked, what do I do, shall I move - no I'll just brazen it out, take a yoga stance of no judgement.

Then La Cougar starts crunching away energetically, and suddenly a lip pops out.  A shiny bit of girly lip.  I got such a fright I choked on my own spit. It took me a good few minutes to pull myself back together, and when I looked back (WHY, WHY, WHY did I look back??) she caught my eye and smiled holding my glance for just a second too long.  

I'm still in shock.  What now?  I can't go back.  I'm going to have to avoid the gym for a while.  And what if she greets me when I do see her next?  

Gone Fishin'

There's been so much in the media about Madonna and Jesus Luz, I am not going to weigh in. Especially as I really haven't much of a leg of my own to stand on.  I've dated men younger than me.  Though, none more that 13 years my junior.   I have a policy:   anyone who could have come from my womb, should not be going back up that way, ever.  

Jerry Hall is quoted in the Sundays today saying she finds it "a bit creepy" that Mick sleeps with women as young as his daughters.  I do too - but isn't he with L'Wren (where did she get that name) Scott now?  She's a grown-up girl.

Could Madonna take a lesson from Mick?  Wouldn't it be great to see her punching above her weight?  Matched with a man as smart, as able, as driven, as successful, as unique as she is?  A fella who knows how to behave.   A guy who doesn't publicly refer to her as "It"  (as in - "must get home or It gets mad" .. shame on you Mr Ritchie.   Whatever happened, she's the mother of your sons.  Grow some balls.)

I would like to see Madonna date someone in her class.  But that's an unpredictable pool.   Those boys have minds and money of their own.  And, competition at that level is fierce. Maybe that's why she sticks to the shallows.  

Kidney chi and jelly

This blog was born on a massage table. It was born whilst a masseuse held my foot and told me she was checking my 'kidney-chi'. Huh? "Your kidney chi". She shiatsus a spot on my right instep and it hurts like hell: "because women your age start to lose their fire and I want to see how you are doing".

What? Then it dawns - oh my god - she's talking about menopause! She thinks I'm old enough enough for the menopause. I'm only 48 for God's sake. Priya senses my shock - she looks down at me and smiles: "you're OK - you've got masses of fire left...." Good to know - but it got me thinking..

The fact that I am fast approaching fifty had become a new persona for me. My younger friends love to introduce me: "this is my friend gg, can you believe she's almost 50!"    Responses vary – "wow you don’t look it",  "you could never tell",  "blimey - you look nothing like my mom".   And once, memorably;  "Lishen, the reashon I’ve been talking with you so much ish I love to fuck older women".   This from a 250 pound, 32 year old man, who could barely stand for the number of vodka tonics he’d been throwing down his neck all evening.   

"Thanks for the kind offer, but I'll pass."  

"Oh come onnn, you're almosht fifty."  

The web is full of sites aimed at me: arguments for and against HRT, statistics on the difficulty of finding a man after 50, tips for dealing with mid-life depression, cosmetic surgery hints.  Forum after forum bemoan this dark-age which seems to be heralded by a newly dry vagina. I mean, when on EARTH did that become an appropriate conversation starter? And hello ... anyone familiar with the letters K and Y?  

I still wear 7forallmankind jeans and t-strings. I go to yoga classes and have fashionable bikini waxes. I read fashion magazines, watch new movies, travel, love art and a great cocktail, adore 30Rock and buy lots of new music. I'm not ready for a dry anything at all.

And, I don't believe that '50 is the new 40' nonsense. What the hell does it mean anyway? I'm certainly not about to start doing things I didn't do when I was 40. I'm still embarrassed about some of the things I did do. 50 is not 40. Fifty is fifty and anything else is an ill-advised leotard,

So - my plan is to make sure that '50 is the new 50'. I am going to do that by really participating in my life. For the next 15 months (at least) I am going to go where I am invited, try new tastes and sounds and colours and looks, write up my experiences - and generally put together a "write of passage" into my next half century. I have no idea what that will involve ... but I am going to find out.

What the fuck .... Ken Starr + Prop 8

Who woke up one morning and make Ken Starr the conscience of America?  Now he is out in California prosecuting people who got married because they love and cherish one other and want to show their commitment by spending their lives together.  Why is he doing this?   Because they are not heterosexual.  

Ken Starr and the Proposition 8 Legal Defense Fund are trying to overturn California's law permitting same sex-couples to marry.   They have filed legal briefs defending the constitutionality of Proposition 8 (which maintains that marriage can only exist between a man and a woman) and are attempting to forcibly divorce 18,000 same-sex couples that were married in California last year.  Some of whom are friends of mine.  

The Supreme Court will hear oral arguments in this case on March 5, 2009, with a decision expected within the next 90 days. 

I am at a loss as to his reasoning.  I mean, it's not as if the male-female combo has proven fabulously successful in the marriage and child-raising arenas, has it Ken?  Or perhaps that's the problem - maybe Ken fears that gay folks will show us heteros up?  

The Courage Campaign has created a video called "Fidelity," (using a gorgeous song by Regina Spektor as it's soundbed) that puts a face to some of those 18,000 couples and stands up for all loving, committed couples seeking full equality under the law.  Check out this link.   www.couragecampaign.org/Divorce

 And given that  today is Valentine's day - spread the love a little by forwarding it on to friends, families, lovers ....    Maybe we can make a difference by registering our outrage through adding our names to their petition. 

Really Ken, given all the help that's currently needed in your country - could you not turn your prodigious energies and (reportedly) considerable intellect to a cause more fitting?