Curb Your Sadism

I've just joined a new gym. One that offers yoga classes every day. It's in a happening part of town - so negotiating one's way through it at 6.00pm can be hazardous.

I'd just made it through the sweat-pit of the weights area, holding my breath against the reek of steroid and testosterone (some big ole Marys in there); when I bumped into the yoga teacher:

"Hurry up, hurry up, no need to sightsee".

I looked away from the muscles and did a double-take - there he was, all skinny legs and inappropriately wide shorts; waggling his head at me. "He looks like someone I know" - I thought staring at him. "But who?"

"You must be new", he said.

"Not at all. In fact, I've been used a little."

"Very funny - now go sit down".

I worked my way around his little paunch, and obeyed, racking my brains.

I knew we were in for it when he instructed us: "Follow after me when chanting the OM". Usually we all chant together. And, man, did he have a whole bloody aria worked out around that one sound. I was rolling my third eye so hard I almost fell over: "New lady in the purple top - sit still or leave". That voice, those legs ... who? Then I got it - Larry David. Oh my God - it's Larry David. Larry David is teaching me yoga. I peeked at him and he frowned. I stayed put - this was going to be interesting.

After the divine formalities, Larry got straight down to business: "I'm the teacher here," he barked, ordering us to the wall, "so shut up and listen". Now, usually I like a bit of direction from my men ... but this was something else. The woman next to me broke out in a sweat and was visibly cowering.

Its fascinating to see what happens to 20 people in a room when they believe they are in the presence of an expert. They'll try and do anything. Regardless of ability. For the yogis among you - he taught us all - beginners included: downward dog for 20 minutes and then went right into full dolphin. For the rest of you - it was like moving from a crawl straight into a handstand. No-one questioned him - they all did as they were told: variously sweating, grunting, falling over, and, in one case - tearing up.

My neighbour told me later she's been in his class for three years and was terrified of him - "but he's a genius". No he is not, luv. He's that very worst of asanas - a yoga fascist.

So, Larry - my apologies. This guy might have looked like you - and even behaved a little like you do. But he had no sense of humour. This guy was just mean. Hey - it's yoga, dude. It's all about inner calm and peace. You should remember the first rule they ever teach us - and leave your ego at the door.

Oh - and wear more seemly shorts. Your iyengar was dangling.