Wednesday 13 June 2012

Shame on me.


A man I once worked for described me as: "the kind of person you could send off to find a dinosaur skeleton and know she would come back, swamp-muddied, bruised, battered and probably mightily pissed off: but with a T-Rex thighbone between her teeth."

This was in a reference letter.  I took it as a compliment - well aware that it was double-edged.

When I promise to do something: I go all out to get it done. Often finding myself labouring long after everyone else has packed up tent and gone home.  I realise the need to prove my worth is baggage from my childhood.  I am also well aware that this particular barking dog in my subconscious - has made me both successful and hugely irritating.



Successful: because I wouldn't take no for an answer (unless it was the answer I want). Irritating for exactly the same reason.

My last 'real' job had me working for a man who was known as 'the revolving door' because he would match his opinion to whoever was in front of him. This meant he changed the goal-posts on a whim, was generous with blame, miserly with praise and frequently threw me under the bus with a vague smile and a gentle shake of the head: "that Sue, what are we to do about her?"

Yet, day-after-day, I headed off to the swamp - because I had said I would. Until eventually I discovered that sometimes the bones are just not there to support the hunt.



Fast-forward six years and I find myself being manipulated by someone I have pledged to help. I discovered yesterday that he has been asking me and someone else to do the same things for him. Neither of us knew, both of us are delivering. They're not even big asks ... yet, despite my best efforts: I deeply resent this 'double-dipping'.  And told him so.


My ego is insisting that I mention that he has done this to me before. And that I was irritated then too.  But the situation has changed.  Now it is more critical, more urgent, more real.  Yet I still responded by being petty.

Badly done me: because I did promise.  Because I know he is in pain and frightened. And because, as my sister pointed out; "he is probably trying every avenue in the hope that one will come through”.

Every now and then I get a glimpse of the person I could be... and I like her.  But not today.

4 comments:

  1. Of all the things you taught me, being truthful, to myself and others, was the most valuable. You also taught me that sometimes the truth needs to be delivered with compassion, something I am still working on. Are you despising feeling that way or the pettiness of wanting to mention it? Both make you human. And there is no shame in that

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    1. Definitely the pettiness. I could so easily have let it go, and kept doing what I had agreed with myself that I would do - which is support him as he goes through this treatment. But I had to make the point, and that makes me sad.

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  2. Beautiful woman.
    As a fellow bone gatherer and general doer whatever the challenge, I relate to you in so many ways and often find that my response is a direct need for someone at some point to appreciate the effort it takes to trudge out for that bone each and every time I do it.
    So here I am - the lady that not only appreciates your mammoth efforts but finds it an inspiration too. Don't give up on that. You give me strength and I love having you there to show me the way.
    xxx

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    1. MWAH MWAH Miss T ... you made my day xxxx
      PS and right back at ya

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