Shame on me.

A man I once worked for described me as: "the kind of person you could send off to find a dinosaur skeleton and know she would come back, swamp-muddied, bruised, battered and probably mightily pissed off: but with a T-Rex thighbone between her teeth."

This was in a reference letter.  I took it as a compliment - well aware that it was double-edged.

When I promise to do something: I go all out to get it done. Often finding myself labouring long after everyone else has packed up tent and gone home.  I realise the need to prove my worth is baggage from my childhood.  I am also well aware that this particular barking dog in my subconscious - has made me both successful and hugely irritating.



Successful: because I wouldn't take no for an answer (unless it was the answer I want). Irritating for exactly the same reason.

My last 'real' job had me working for a man who was known as 'the revolving door' because he would match his opinion to whoever was in front of him. This meant he changed the goal-posts on a whim, was generous with blame, miserly with praise and frequently threw me under the bus with a vague smile and a gentle shake of the head: "that Sue, what are we to do about her?"

Yet, day-after-day, I headed off to the swamp - because I had said I would. Until eventually I discovered that sometimes the bones are just not there to support the hunt.



Fast-forward six years and I find myself being manipulated by someone I have pledged to help. I discovered yesterday that he has been asking me and someone else to do the same things for him. Neither of us knew, both of us are delivering. They're not even big asks ... yet, despite my best efforts: I deeply resent this 'double-dipping'.  And told him so.


My ego is insisting that I mention that he has done this to me before. And that I was irritated then too.  But the situation has changed.  Now it is more critical, more urgent, more real.  Yet I still responded by being petty.

Badly done me: because I did promise.  Because I know he is in pain and frightened. And because, as my sister pointed out; "he is probably trying every avenue in the hope that one will come through”.

Every now and then I get a glimpse of the person I could be... and I like her.  But not today.