Random thoughts at 60 kilometers

It's true that age is a number. And it's also true that you're only as old as you feel. But I think there's another truth about age - it does show. Not just in lines on your face, but in what you expect of yourself and in what you have achieved.

I was thinking all this as I watched people running past me, a marathon and an half into the Comrades, with 29kms to go. They were exhausted, in pain, almost detached from their bodies - but they were determined to finish. I was in awe of them.

I always tease my friend Karen that she should come to SA and run the Two Oceans and The Comrades. I tell her that it's a good way to meet boys. I paint a picture of her running up mountains and me on a Vespa seconding her and passing her orange segments. Afterwards we go out for cocktails and share stories with other runners. It truly only came home to me standing there last week - just what an incredible achievement it is for a human to run that far.

And then I thought - you know Wildish - what exactly have you achieved?

So, as I am now officially halfway through my life (my dad falls about laughing hysterically when he hears me say this), I thought I would do a quick inventory.

Here's what I found:

- I am close with my family
- I have great friends on many continents
- I am able to love unconditionally
- I do work that matters to me
- I have few regrets - and have learned from the ones I do have
- I won't allow unkindness - even to myself
- I can forgive - myself and others
- I speak my mind
- I am fair
- I know I can be wrong
- I don't expect perfection from myself, but I will always give it a good try
- I love where I live and how I live
- I don't dress inappropriately
- I have a good sense of humour

- I can laugh at myself

- I can recognize happy

- I know a good kisser when I see one

I consider these to be achievements because each of these things has been earned. None bought with money. Each has been a process, none an epiphany. Each has required the help of friends, family, co-workers, lovers and random folks. None have been dictated to me, or forced on me.

I am also lucky. Perhaps that should be at the top of the list. I am lucky.

Another thing I do know is - I can no longer drink four glasses of champagne without my body protesting violently. But, so be it. If that's the only cramp I get at the end of my marathon. I've run a pretty good race.

It wasn't me ...

I would not like to be Sarah, Duchess of York right now. Of all the stupid-ass things to do: this takes the whole packet of biscuits. Plus it's undoubtedly not the first time. If the News of The World (the ULTIMATE oxymoron) went to all the trouble to arrange an elaborate sting - they have to have known that she's done it before.

Now, if she was a Shaggy, she would simply shrug and say "it wasn't me .."

But that defense doesn't fly here. We live in a digital age and there she is, on film. Talking in that clipped, hyper-clear vocal style, that some people use when addressing someone "foreign". And we know, our hearts sinking, that Sarah thinks she's dealing with a real mover and "Sheik-er".

Then there's her body language ... she sits at the table, the $40 000 deposit in front of her, rubbing her tired, drunken eyes and rocking a little. She knows, she knows, she knows ...

She sees the little "Sold" sign pegged into her soul. Only she's in this horrendous, unfathomable debt - the kind that makes you look away from your pride, your common sense, your gut. So, she makes a low rent, mundane, cheap-hotel-suite kind of plan.

And she gets caught. The 11th Commandment: "you lie down with dogs, you get fleas."

I really don't know how a person comes back from this shame: so public, so global. But I am hoping she does. It could be the making of her, the ultimate reinvention. Now there's no pretense, the layers of the aristocrat have been peeled back to reveal a lost, impoverished, undefined woman in her early 50s who made a really shit decision. I don't know who her friends are. But, if she gets some decent, skin-flaying, pragmatic and brutally honest advice. That she elects to heed: the world could be hers. She could come out swinging.

I would like to see that.

Before I go, a word to the News Of the World reporter - Mazher Mahmood. Do not be proud of yourself. Do NOT be proud of yourself. You entrapped a needy woman in order to further your career. If the definition of the word whore is someone who fucks other people for money, tua culpa my brother, tua maxima culpa.

Out with the Old, In with the Old.

It was my friend Rudi's birthday on Friday. We all clubbed together to buy him a dishwasher (seems to be the new trend - I'm hoping for a first class round-the-world-airline ticket, with vouchers to all the Park Hyatt hotels. Just thought I would put that out there). And we all went to see the St Petersburg Male Ballet Company dance Swan Lake. Or so I thought. What we actually saw was a ballerino long past his primo, and his oddly shaped troupe (one of whom seemed to have a whole turkey breast down the front of his tights), interpreting arbitrarily-chosen bits of music.

The tiny dancer was well into his 50s, but he was no Baryshnikov. In fact, he rather reminded me of Liza Minnelli. I saw Liza in concert at the Royal Albert Hall, years ago, with Sammy Davis jnr and Frank Sinatra. As she highkicked her way merrily, and somewhat drunkenly, across the stage, a good few people averted their eyes. (One of them being Barbara Sinatra - to whom Frank would later sing: "where there is laughter there is Barbara, always Barbara warm and gay...". So, she shouldn't have been smiling quite so broadly. And, frankly (ha!) Barbs didn't have much of a leg of her own to stand on - she was wearing a tiara, and she acknowledged her hubby's dedication by standing to wave at the audience with that peculiar inward wave the Queen Liz favours. Cue more eye aversion.)

At one point Friday's dancing queen tossed carnations into the audience. He'd been miming frantically to an Italian love song and was either approaching climax or had thrown his back out - hard to tell. It was all a bit too much for me. Like watching your mum have a few gins too many at a cocktail party and getting her groove on. Mortifying. I wanted desperately to go home.

There are signs up around Cape Town at the moment advertising "Deep Purple, supported by Uriah Heep and Wishbone Ash" at the Grand West Arena. I mean what the **** - who on earth would want to see them? Fleetwood Mac are on the road without Christine McVie, Spandau Ballet are touring Europe and Bon Jovi are out there in their new hair pieces - re-living on a prayer.

Are we all taking this 'fifty is the new forty" thing too far? Should we be starting to retire gracefully? Frankie could hardly remember the words to 'New York New York', that night in London. From my seat I could see the teleprompters: "da da da dada da, da da da, start spreading the news". Like Friday's ballet - all it did was make me sad.

Maurits sent me an article from The Times in which the journalist described how much happier we all are once we hit fifty. In fact - we are so happy, we are are apparently taking on "new hedonist ways". I'm not entirely sure what this means, but suspect it has something to do with getting our old bits out, and putting them up there on public view. And if that's what Friday's ballet was all about - count me out. It's said that the art of going to a party is knowing when to leave, and I am a 10pm Cinderella.

Happy, Happier, Happiest

I'm reading Tal Ben-Shahar's follow-up to "Happy" - "Happier" (snappy, eh). The sequel is essentially, a guided workbook (which Ben-Sahar, in an unusual misstep, describes as: "A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment". Urrrgh, Tal - way too much buddy.) The premise is that by completing various written exercises, you remind yourself of all the things you have in your life that are worthy of gratitude. And when you live with gratitude - it builds happiness.

In week one - we had to list five things each day for which we were grateful. Two weeks ago, today, mine were: lunch with my friend Maurits, a conversation with my Dad, the ADT man had come to fix the endlessly beeping house alarm and my eyes were clearing up because I had medicine for pink eye (the final one counting as two). So, I was grateful for: friendship, that my dad is alive and I can chat to him, a silent house, itch-free eyes, money.

I enjoyed mentally running through my day before I went to sleep. Looking for good things. Not dwelling on bad. And it was astonishing to see how many good things do happen. Things we take for granted. I have a friend who has an on-going case of the blues right now - he can't fathom why his life hasn't turned out the way he hoped it would. He has a hankering for a long-ago time - when things were perfect. And that's making him unhappy in the life he has right now.

Why do we expect our lives to be perfect? Where does this come from? Is it because we are focused on what we don't have, rather than what we do? Another friend of mine is having a birthday in a couple days and we've all been asked to contribute to a dishwasher for him. His lover describes the birthday boy's hands as being "tired of washing up". I can understand that - especially given the hours he works. Plus I would hate to give up my own dishwasher.

But then I thought - maybe there is another way of looking at this: there is food on my table, bought by me with money I earned at my job, that has been cooked on my stove, eaten with people I care about and which will nourish my body. All or any part of that should make me only too happy to put my hands into the (hot) water that comes from the tap in my kitchen, in my warm, safe home.

So I wondered: why do we feel entitled to easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy existences? Where happiness is delivered with the milk? And, do we expect others to provide our happiness? All neatly packaged and fail-proof.

Are we just too damned lazy to work at our own happiness?

Week two asks that we create new rituals that will bring us happiness. The idea being that instead of "focusing on cultivating self discipline as a means towards change, we need to introduce rituals. ... Building rituals requires defining very precise behaviours and performing then at very specific times - motivated by deeply held values".

The process of change needs to be quantifiable so this post is one of my new rituals. I will write twice a week. On a Wednesday and on a Sunday. Then I will go to bed and run through the things that made me grateful in the day. Because I know, regardless of how crap the day seemed, there will be something.

Please know - I am not unhappy. In fact, I am happier more constantly than I have ever been. It's just that I am always open to new ways of being happy. So watch this space.

Traffic Light Etiquette

South Africa has a poverty problem. And our poverty problem has many causes - current and historical. Politic and economic. With a myriad everyday complications: lack of education and skills training, migration to the cities by the rural poor, drought, families shattered by AIDS and, of course, graft and greed.

Sometimes I am afraid to look too directly into the face of all the need in this country. I'm afraid that what I will see will give me vertigo. Start a slide into hopelessness. Instead, I try to focus on the problem's knees, I try to look for ways to keep them from wobbling. Because I know, once the knees go, it's all over.

So, I support small businesses wherever I find them. People here are genius at finding ways to feed themselves. Parking lot stalls selling single cigarettes and oranges. A telephone shack in a township. Third-hand clothes, patched and buttoned sold from a blanket on the sidewalk. No opportunity is wasted. Including that mandatory stop red at a red traffic light: from newspapers and cell phone chargers, through beaded flowers, fruit and sunglasses to knock-off Liverpool strips and bottled water, you'll be offered it all

Then there are the beggars - with the blind at a premium; being led from car to car by a sighted person (usually a child). The transaction is slick: a quick flip of the coins from car to hand, a nanosecond weighing up of the offering. And an all-seeing smile of gratitude.

I consider these people to be the new entrepreneurs. They're small business owners. My favourites are the folks who sell Cape Town's homeless magazine, The Big Issue, and the joke sheets. They're legally at that light - they have joined an organization, lobbied for a pitch and show up regularly to keep it.

I watch them work six days a week, in all weathers, and always cheerfully. So I buy a few magazines a month and get my laughs every week - usually from the same vendors. And I occasionally add a flower to my dashboard collection. Or buy a pack of avos. When I don't want anything, or it all feels like its becoming overwhelming - a smile and a shake of the head usually gets the salesman moving on to the next car. They I know I can't support everyone - that I do what I can. And I am not alone, a lot of people do.

But not the two guys in the black Porsche Cayenne on Roeland Street yesterday afternoon at 1.00pm. They engaged the vendor in conversation, boasting that their car cost over a million rand, and then refused to buy his magazine saying they "had no money".

The pair of you should be ashamed. That man was shivering outside your big-ass car's window. He had no shoes on. And you two, gold Aviator wearing, fools just laughed and drove off.

Was that what the struggle was about for you? Being able to rub someone's nose in your new-found fatcatness? You are another reason that the poor remain poor. You're too damned mean to share the riches "the new South Africa" has brought you. I was mortified for you and I bet your parents and grandparents would be too.

Hearing loss ...

On Tuesday I went for my annual gynae exam and Dr Scott spent the best part of the appointment asking me if I was experiencing a litany of menopausal symptoms. Dear GOD! The List just went on. There are about 35 of them and they are all horrible shockers. I won't go into them all here; just know they're pretty much covered by the words: irregular, sweats, loss, gain, bloat, exhaustion, dryness, moodiness and just as a kicker - tinnitus.

What? Tinnitus? A roaring or ringing in the ears. Yes, I definitely had this one ... it was the sound of my youth disappearing off down the highway on the back of a Big Boy.

Moira's own ears perked up: "You know what tinnitus is? Are you experiencing it?"

Sure I know what it is, it's a curse of the music biz ... lots of rock stars have it - Pete Townsend, Sting, Eric Clapton, Thom Yorke, Bill Clinton. Standing too close to amplifiers for too long will damage your hearing. (Not sure what happened with Bill, though I suspect Pink Floyd's "Have a Cigar", on repeat, might have had a hand in it. But I digress.) And no, I don't have tinnitus. Nor any of the other verbs, nouns and adjectives that apparently now define my female self.

Afterwards I limped sadly off to Priya - the genius massage therapist. My hip had started playing up and I needed her to fix it. Could it be, I asked timidly, Symptom no 15? Was this the advent of Osteoporosis?

"Oh, no", she chortled merrily: "menopause is a Western Thing. It's just another way to pigeonhole women in your society. In India we don't even have a word for this. You're stiff because you overdid it at yoga. Nothing to do with age, everything to do with teacher."

I skipped home and reread the pamphlet Dr Scott had pressed into my hand as I left. Many of the symptoms seemed equal opportunity: irritability, trouble sleeping, feeling ill at ease, disturbing memory lapses, hair loss, changes in body odour, weight gain, anxiety. Why were these all lumped together as a 'female condition'? I know plenty of guys who experience some, if not all, of them.

Which made me wonder: is menopause just the last in a long line of indignities visited on the female population? Yes our bodies change as we get older. Men's do too. But, for some reason taking little blue pills to deal with decreasing testosterone is simply proof that there's a lot of "go" left in the old boy yet. HRT, on the other hand, signals the end of femininity.

Can we agree to put an end to this nonsense right now? To stop permanently assigning fifty-something women to the red tent and let us get on with being exactly what we are? Capable, experienced, resilient and sick of wearing labels.

Fearful symmetry and the question of gut

I took my nieces and nephew to the zoo in a couple weeks ago. Riley, 2-years old, sat quietly in her push chair: taking it all in. She didn't seem fazed by the creatures - most of them new to her. The lions had barely elicited a response, the elephant (big), bison (stinky), snake (sssss), crocodile (yukky). Then we got to the tigers. The male was lying along the wall of his enclosure. His mate under some trees. It was a hot, hot day - especially for a Siberian. And the two cats had only slivers of shade.

We sat a ledge with thick plate glass between us and the enclosure and the male was to our left. Just visible in the dappled light. Riley had crept onto my lap and was eyeing the animal out. Every now and then she would look at me and whisper "Tiger" and point. Then he stood up. Enormous: head the size of two bedpillows. He turned to face us and I felt a shock of fear run through Riley's tiny body. She leapt out of my arms and into her push chair: "we go, Suzie, we go".

Maya Angelou once said "when someone shows themselves to you for the first time - believe them". Those words have been running through my head since we walked away from the tiger. Riley's primal instincts are still well and truly intact. She knew what she was looking at. She knew what it was capable of. She knew she needed to get away.

I've been wondering how we lose that intuition, how we fail to recognize when something is bigger, better adapted for survival, more dangerous than we are. Or, perhaps rather than fail, do we actively choose to ignore our gut and, instead, compromise?

We feed the beast, placate it, entitle it, give it dominion. And then when it gets beyond handling, we try to limit it. To civilise it. Only to be shocked and overwhelmed by the scale of it's anger.

It's said "NO" is the most powerful word in any language. I wonder if we should have used it more. Or did we fold, weary of repetition. I need someone to tell me: was this unhealthy prospering possible because good men looked the other way?**

** apologies to Edmund Burke

smoke and mirrors

I went to Spier Contemporary 2010 on Saturday. It's a visual and performance art exhibition underwritten by Spier, usually held on their wine estate, but this year held in the Cape Town City Hall. The idea was to make the 132 artworks and 101 artists represented accessible to all. Whilst I was there it was mainly single woman and gay blokes. All white. So very Cape Town.

As I wandered through the warren of rooms I became more and more gloomy. Art doesn't usually do that to me - and this exhibition hadn't provoked a grey response last year. Nor the year before. But there was little joy in any of the exhibits. Perhaps a reflection of the year that has passed? Either in the art that was submitted or in the hearts of the curators - who knows. But, apart from a moment where I walked into a room and a jackhammer slammed into ear splitting motion scaring the shit out of me, the only thing that raised a glimmer of a smile was a collection of photos representing SA presidents past and present with their emblems. Thabo sported a black Aids ribbon, PW a 'sold' rosette, die Groot Krokodil - an ass-about facing lacoste croc. Joe Zuma's portrait was unadorned. Perhaps in hope, perhaps in anticipation: the artist hadn't commented.

I did love one piece - Matthew Hindley's "I Meant to Have but Modest Needs" ... a real oil painting on a grand scale. If I could have afforded anything at the exhibition - I would have bought this. As much for the title as the artist's abilities. I've been spending a lot of time recently considering what I really need. A job I had thought would bring regular work wasn't panning out that way and my cloth needed recutting to suit my needs. I just am not absolutely sure what those are. A new friend had told me that when she was really sick, and she couldn't get out of bed to walk to the bathroom - she didn't think about needing another pair of shoes in her closet, or a trip to Asia, or a bigger house. Things she had always thought she needed. All she could think of was how badly she needed to walk on the beach. Her parameters had become clarified. Focused by her illness.

There was cheering outside so I moved over to the window to see what was going on. A man was walking on a wire strung between two palm trees. He was barefoot, chubby, shirtless- cirque de afrique - and hamming it up mercilessly for the crowd. I took out my camera and a security guard was over at my side in an instant. When he saw what I was shooting, he smiled and said - "Watch, he will put fire into his trousers." Which the man did, to the delight of the kids who screamed and ran about in deliciously horrified circles. People darted through the smoke to drop coins into a tin pipe he had laid on the ground. He shook it in thanks and coloured feathers puffed out. The guard watched with me for a while and then said: "Where does a person go to learn to know magic? I would like to go there." I shook my head. Sorry mate, been a bit short on magic lately. The man, said the guard, was from Zimbabwe. It could that he learned magic there. I told him I was born in Zimbabwe and he smiled - "maybe you know magic too".

I walked back through the exhibition thinking about his words. It's not so much about magic as about knowing what you need. The man on the ground needed to make money. He used magic in service of his needs. He serviced the crowd's need for entertainment with his magic. Was it magic or was it need. It all depended on how you looked at things. All I need to see what I need, is the right pair of eyes.

Slipstreaming ...

I've been traveling these past 10 days - working with my new crew at The Poker Room. Without going into it too deeply: we use the techniques, tools, strategies, and people-reading skills required in poker as a business training tool. And then we play poker.

It's said you're never too old to learn something new - and I've been thinking that a lot this week. Apart from learning the game, I've realised that I miss being on the road. I miss airports, and hotels and room service and being exhausted.

I've also missed the huge cast of characters you get to meet when you travel.

Highlights for me these past 10 days have been the Durban 4 - Indian men of various backgrounds who shared two qualities - they are all implicitly decent and they are all dreamers. We had a wonderful lunch talking about ourselves and this country of ours. They reminded me of the men my Dad used to work with and of my Dad. Roy was an insurance salesman who hardworked his way up through the ranks. I remember the long absences from home, the stress about meeting targets and the exhausted entertaining. These chaps have all done the same. Providing for the family, keeping their faith and having a good laugh along the way.

Then there were the good old Joeys boys - the solid Boereboys who still speak Afrikaans as their first taal, but who share the many of the qualities of their Durban colleagues. They laugh hard, drink hard and go all in at the first sign of an ace. Roaring their disapproval at the cards as they flop a beat hand. Focusing intently as we teach them about communication and body language. Practising it diligently in groups. Lovely stuff.

And finally the Zimbabweans who work at the venue in Johannesburg. Bringing a level of excellence and sweetness to their service that is world-class. They arrived, early, stayed late and smiled the whole way through. Professional to their core. Despite being a long, long way from a home that offers no immediate chance of a future.

Folks - whether we are ready for the World Cup or not (and I think we will be): we already have a lot to be proud of. We have us. And we're pretty bloody fantastic.

**(actually all five of the men in my family are decent men: Roy, Mark, Chris and Justin. And Jasper is our little man.)

(If The Poker Room intrigues you - check us out at www.thepokerrooom.co.za)

The death (and dearth) of manners ...

I work with an NGO called Positive Heroes. Our Heroes are people from all over SA, who are HIV positive and open about their status. They work by example - within their own communities - showing how they are living happy and successful lives whilst managing their disease. A brave and laudable stance in a country that is, literally, dying of stigma.

We want to field an ultra-marathon team in 2010 - an ultra is any distance over 42km - the Comrades is 56km. Our four stunning runners are all on ARVs and, because the ARV regimen is time sensitive - they take their meds while they are running! Marathons are an incredible ask of any human body. Even one that is 100% healthy. Imagine running marathons when you live in an informal settlement, eat whatever you can afford and have a compromised immune system. It's like summiting mountains, without oxygen.

Which Evelina Tshabalala, already has. Seven, in fact.

Evie and her fellow team members - Willie Engelbrecht, Kenneth Methula and Masibulele Gcabo have decided they want to run SA's three big Ultras - Two Oceans, Comrades and Soweto. The message of hope in every footfall along that ultra-route is unimaginable. So Positive Heroes is trying to raise money/services to help them to run the race, deliver the message.

So far all of this is an UP. But here's the down. People don't get back to us. Just don't respond. To phone calls, e-mails, letters, smses ... I'm talking about people we know, or people who we have been introduced to. Silence.

Now, I know that in business, silence does not mean consent. It means - "we are blowing you off and we are too lily-livered to tell you". And, sorry folks, but that's not ok. Lives depend on us getting our message out. Even if your response is a no. That is ok. But tell us, show some manners,

The only exception has been Heather Scott, Gidon Novik's (Kulula) Executive Assistant. Who responded immediately to my "cold call" email. She directed me to the right department and even promised to follow up if I hadn't heard anything in a week. A classy lady. But the bank, the footwear company, the health-care provider - not a word. And they have known all of us, by first name, for the past 18 months.

We're looking for services over money. Flights, so that Masibulele doesn't have to take a 24 hour bus-ride before he runs 50kms. A couple of hotel rooms; so the Team doesn't have to bunk down miles from the race start. A hire car - so we can travel to and from the races together. And running shoes - good quality, pro-designed running shoes so that they can cover those ks in comfort. We also need a PR agency to help with the huge buzz that these four generate when they get out on the roads in their Positive Heroes T-shirts

If any of you out there can help - please let me know. You'll find Positive Heroes at www.positiveheroes.org.za. You'll find me on sue@positiveheroes.org.za. I promise I will respond.

There was an upside to the week, though. And that was all of the Parliament standing to sing their welcome to Madiba. Class and manners. As to commenting on the State of Mr Zuma's Union .... I'll leave that to Mr Zapiro .

The one eyed trouser snake that runs a country

One of my eyes is weeping and the other isn't. So I've been look at life through one pink eye lately. Bit like our President, Jacob Zuma.

The man just can't keep his trousers zippered. On one hand I really don't give a monkey's who he sleeps with. But in a country where 5.7 million people are living with Aids - would I be overstepping the mark by expecting him to wear a goddamned condom when he strays from his three marital and one affianced beds?

I don't even care that he had sex with his friend's daughter. She certainly looks like she knows her way around the block. And I'm not having a girlish bleat about honouring marriage vows either. I don't expect public figures to be saints. I spent too many years on the road for that. Yes, Tiger got his balls out, Bill smoked his cigar and Eliott flashed his credit card. But, far as I know, none of these fellas impregnated their 'bits on the side'. And I may be making a huge assumption here - but maybe, just maybe they were at least responsible in one thing. They wore condoms.

President Zuma - you are seriously undermining the fight against Aids in this country. If you aren't going to wear a condom - why should any other guy in SA wear one? There are 1.4 million Aids orphans in our country, Jacob. Their parents are dead. They died from unprotected sex and it's vicious bitch stigma. Pull yourself together and get a rubber on. Then I won't mind you waving your willie about in public.

big car, small ...

a woman in a giant double-cab truck/car thing menaced me down the highway today. I was sitting patiently behind an old lady , in the fast lane on De Waal drive, when she came right up behind me, filling up my rearview mirror completely with the huge-osity of her car. Despite the fact that she sat six feet higher than me, I could tell it was a woman as she was smoking and talking on the phone at the same time, and we all know that old saw about men and multitasking.

When a gap appeared in the lane alongside me, I moved across and the woman tanked up behind the old dear who sat steadfastly and resolutely in her lane. And I stayed parallel - so our Trucker was boxed in. She flashed, she hooted, she tried to change lanes. While I watched the performance I wondered: is that the purpose of having such a large car? To menace the other drivers.

I just can't figure it out. People here drive cars big enough to lead armies into war. A full size hummer was at the petrol station yesterday - taking up two lanes and two pumps and two attendants. And when he left, he didn't tip either of them.

It used to be said that the size of a man's car reflected his concerns about the size of his willy. Yet more and more women are driving these monsters. Is this some sort of feminist gesture I've missed out on. My willy's as big as you wish your willy was?

Beats me. But I had the extreme pleasure of watching Truck-woman work herself up into a frenzy today when Nana wouldn't move over. So, I guess they do serve some purpose.

How Clint Eastwood made my day

December 24th was a bit of a bust for me. A meeting about the cookbook left me irritated and frustrated and a tad emotional. I left it to rush over to Nazareth House hospice, to see one of the cleaners there, who I counsel.

The hospice was silent but full of people. Wrapped in blankets against the chill of their disease. On a 27degree, windless day, Summer day. The session was sad and harrowing and knocked me no little. I cried my way home. I was really angry with myself. What the fuck was wrong with me, getting all up in my ego about a cookbook? I was due to join my brother Mark and our friend Jen for a movie. But now I really didn't feel up to it. So I moped around at home for a while - beating myself up about how shallow I was. Then it occurred to me that I was just doing more of the same. So I pulled myself towards myself and Cavendish.

I missed the importance of the ‘95 Rugby World Cup to South Africa. Partly because I’ve never been a major sports fan. And partly because late June is peak touring season in Europe and I would have been on the road somewhere working. Yet, for two hours on this Christmas Eve – I became totally engrossed in Clint Eastwood’s take on John’s Carlin’s book “Playing the Enemy”.

I’d read all the criticism: Matt Damon has the emotive range of a salamander (he is playing a rugy player, besides - oh, who cares, have you seen the man?), Morgan Freeman’s accent is patchy (heard much Xhosa in the US, then?), the rugby was ’staged’ (no shit, really?). So I wasn’t expecting much. But I loved every moment. Invictus was the antidote to my day. It is about hope and determination. About possibility. It is about putting something else before your ego. And it made me smile, and cry, and be awed, again, by Nelson Mandela's mind.

I met him once, at SA house in London late April 2001. R.E.M. were playing the Freedom Day Concert in Trafalgar Square and I was co-ordinating the media. Madiba sent word to the soundcheck that he wanted to meet everyone involved in the show. We trooped upstairs to a room in the Embassy – and in he came. Moving from person to person: shaking hands and thanking each for their time. When he got to me, I got all choked up and could hardly talk. Michael had to tell him my name. He stood there until I composed myself, then asked:

“How long have you been away?” ”16 years, Madiba.”

“16 years? That’s long enough – its time to take what you have learned and go back. We will need you.”

I just nodded and he squeezed my hand: ”I’ll see you back at home”. And he was gone.

And here I am – back in Cape Town; Madiba's not a bad guy to take career advice from.

I think Matt did a great job as Francois Pienaar – a decent man who understood what his President was trying to achieve. Morgan’s accent and mannerisms were spot on. And Clint really got the importance of rugby to this country, and the politics that go with it. So, ignore the hairsplitters, the movie is a must see. Watch it with your heart.

PS: The name of the movie comes from a poem that helped keep Madiba strong while he was in prison. It’s worth a read – I’ve take the liberty of printing it below.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Earnest Henley

(note: Portions of this blog appear on SA-People.com)

An ill wind

Florence's house burned down at 3.30am Saturday morning. A neighbour rushed in screaming - the fire had eaten it's way through two other houses and was licking at their roof. Ten minutes later, everything Florence and her husband owned was gone.

Florence lived in a Wendy House. A whimsy of a name for the structure of corrugated iron and wood it describes. Usually erected behind someone else's home, these shacks are the accommodation backbone of the informal settlements. They are made with whatever can be found. Revealing a genius for foraging amongst the very poorest of our country. Its not unusual to see portions of old cars, billboards and flattened coke cans doing sterling duty as roofs, windows or cladding. One of the houses on the way to the airport even boasts a second storey with a balcony - made from a light-aircraft wing. This is recycling at its most imaginative.

Florence's home was a bit different. It was made of new iron, new roof tiles and proper, glassed windows, and she had just finished paying it off. It was set on a concrete slab to keep out the Cape damp and cold. And it stood behind her brother's brick house: so had the benefit of (almost) legal electricity and water. And was secure.

But not from the guy at number 1. Who came home drunk from a shebeen, fancied a bit to eat and knocked over his parafin stove. And not from the howling south-easter - which did the rest.

I was in Tulbagh when Florence called me. In a small cottage built on someone else's property. I'd had a couple of drinks with friends, a meal cooked outside and had retired to my bed - lit by candle and gas. I was marveling at how fantastically well we were all handling life without electricity.

Only difference was: we was paying for the experience. I'm sure the irony wasn't lost on Florence.

Curb Your Sadism

I've just joined a new gym. One that offers yoga classes every day. It's in a happening part of town - so negotiating one's way through it at 6.00pm can be hazardous.

I'd just made it through the sweat-pit of the weights area, holding my breath against the reek of steroid and testosterone (some big ole Marys in there); when I bumped into the yoga teacher:

"Hurry up, hurry up, no need to sightsee".

I looked away from the muscles and did a double-take - there he was, all skinny legs and inappropriately wide shorts; waggling his head at me. "He looks like someone I know" - I thought staring at him. "But who?"

"You must be new", he said.

"Not at all. In fact, I've been used a little."

"Very funny - now go sit down".

I worked my way around his little paunch, and obeyed, racking my brains.

I knew we were in for it when he instructed us: "Follow after me when chanting the OM". Usually we all chant together. And, man, did he have a whole bloody aria worked out around that one sound. I was rolling my third eye so hard I almost fell over: "New lady in the purple top - sit still or leave". That voice, those legs ... who? Then I got it - Larry David. Oh my God - it's Larry David. Larry David is teaching me yoga. I peeked at him and he frowned. I stayed put - this was going to be interesting.

After the divine formalities, Larry got straight down to business: "I'm the teacher here," he barked, ordering us to the wall, "so shut up and listen". Now, usually I like a bit of direction from my men ... but this was something else. The woman next to me broke out in a sweat and was visibly cowering.

Its fascinating to see what happens to 20 people in a room when they believe they are in the presence of an expert. They'll try and do anything. Regardless of ability. For the yogis among you - he taught us all - beginners included: downward dog for 20 minutes and then went right into full dolphin. For the rest of you - it was like moving from a crawl straight into a handstand. No-one questioned him - they all did as they were told: variously sweating, grunting, falling over, and, in one case - tearing up.

My neighbour told me later she's been in his class for three years and was terrified of him - "but he's a genius". No he is not, luv. He's that very worst of asanas - a yoga fascist.

So, Larry - my apologies. This guy might have looked like you - and even behaved a little like you do. But he had no sense of humour. This guy was just mean. Hey - it's yoga, dude. It's all about inner calm and peace. You should remember the first rule they ever teach us - and leave your ego at the door.

Oh - and wear more seemly shorts. Your iyengar was dangling.

When shopping IS cheaper than a psychiatrist**

My much-loved friend, Claude (aka Wah, aka 'The Accidental Chef" ... find her blog at claudiagiulia.wordpress.com/) is having a tough time of it at the moment.

She's been through eighteen months of "will we or won't we divorce" with her husband Eddie and all the self-doubt and anger that goes with it. Claude lives in LA, in one of the most beautiful spots in the world: with her lovely dog Ottie. And occasionally with Eddie. They're exploring a rapprochement. She sought refuge in her job these past months, cooking up a storm of glorious desserts and cakes. Leading to promotion and a raise.

On the face of it - these are positive developments - with potential to create happiness. So why are they making Claude so stressed and miserable?

In her latest blog she describes going to the WholeFoods Market in Brentwood (a rich and chi-chi part of LA) - and the mean-spirited, glum, whiney, unappreciative folks who shop there. WholeFoods Market is an organic supermarket chain in the US. And they are fabulous shops - able to sell you virtually anything foody that your heart desires. There's one in each of the ritziest neighbourhoods. Perfect positioning when you consider the average peach costs $6.00 (R60) , a pound of coffee $35 (R350). The shops are gorgeously laid out, warm, friendly, lots of free tastes. Upbeat, well-informed staff, glowing piles of perfect organic fruit and veg. Blissful destinations.

I used to walk past the one at Columbus Circle on my way home from work in NY, and pick myself up some dinner. $50 dollars later, I would be out of there with my brown bag of deliciousness. Smiling despite the day, feeling like someone had just told me they loved me. Claude walked away from her Brentfwood encounter feeling like she had been stamped on and spit at. Which got me thinking - what the hell is going on in Brentwood? Is it a LA thing - care less about people and more about money? Is this what's at the root of Claude's unhappiness?

Then I was at Pick'n'Pay the other day and I couldn't find limes. Or sage. Or chili-paste. Or ground almonds. I was annoyed and huffy. Even the poultry counter was blocked. A young woman was picking through the display. Looking at every damn packet. Oh, for God's sake! Was she planning on introducing herself to every piece of chicken? How inconsiderate. I stood there fuming until I realised that she was looking at the prices on each pack. Sorting through until she could find one she could afford.

When she did, she smiled at me in relief - "It's good", she said.

There I stood; all sweaty frustration because I couldn't find out-of-season products which would have had to been flown thousands of kilometers to make it to my table. Because my expectations were out of touch with reality. Because I had nothing else to worry about. And I realised - I was one of those shoppers in Brentwood!

Wah, its time for us to shop local.

(**Thanks to Tammy Faye Bakker for the quote)

The Lost Art of Happiness

Tal Ben-Shahar believes we can learn to be happier.  He defines happiness as being "the overall experience of pleasure and meaning".   Being happy, he says, means knowing what makes you happy.  Being happy takes practice and dedication.  Being happy has nothing to do with how much money you have. And, having just finished his book "Happier" - I find I agree. 

A departure for someone who used to get stuck on the money point.  My fear was always of living out my old age in a cold water flat, with an incontinent daschund.  I was convinced if I didn't work my ass off every day I would end up one of those old ladies on the high road who left a trail of eau de wee as they wafted past.  My last two pounds weighing down the pocket of my grubby, pie-gravy smeared cardigan.  So I worked for people I didn't like for far too long.  

Ben-Shahar is not saying that happiness lies in poverty.  Not at all.  He acknowledges that money can play its part in creating happiness by freeing us to do more of what makes us happy. What he is saying is once the three essentials - home, food and education are covered - the possibilities to be happy are infinite. Just so long as we know what happiness means to us. 

Positive Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced 'cheek-sent-me-high-ee') believes that we experience happiness when we are in a state of Flow. Flow, he says, is when 'action and awareness are merged'.  In other words, Flow comes about when we are completely absorbed in a task or experience. 

I thought back to the last few of times I felt that way:  drinking coffee today and reading this month's American Vogue, making sandwiches at a music festival, painting flower boxes in the back garden.  I didn't hear the friend greet me, I hardly felt 6 hours pass, and Saturday afternoon was over before I knew it.

Time flows when you're having fun.  

Each of these experiences passes Ben-Shahar's MSP Process evaluator. Each held Meaning: I was learning, helping, improving. Each gave me Pleasure, reflected something that I enjoy: fashion/music/food/people/home. Each required a skill level or Strength that I have.  None of them were done for the approval of others. 

Ben-Shahar's theory is simple.  For something to bring us happiness - it must have an intrinsic or inner importance.  And must satisfy our interests, values and beliefs.  Trying to create happiness through something of extrinsic or external importance - needing others approval, or amassing status symbols - will leave us short-changed.  The happiness will be fleeting and we will have to start all over again to achieve the same result.

But Tal is a pragmatist - he knows that we will sometimes have to do some things that we don't like. However - if these experiences help to facilitate ongoing happiness  - we can make them part of our lives.  Just not all of our lives.  

Ben-Shahar also points out that we should not expect to be happy every living moment, it's an aggregate of experiences across our whole lives.  Sometimes we will have to do things we don't love doing - because they will help facilitate the things we do.   A job that doesn't challenge - but brings in money for the holiday we want to take.  He reminds us throughout his book that happiness is not a place, a state, a destination - it's a journey.  A constant work-in-progress. That when we evaluate all of our experiences, on aggregate - we should feel happy.

I've been worrying about what next year will bring work-wise.  I've decided to stop that and focus on doing more of what I am enjoying right now.  My three essentials are covered and it's time to invoke that old coaching saw:  do more of what works.  I'm happy and I am going to keep working at it. 

Making ends Meat

The man on the side of the highway was trying to show me something he had on a tray.   It was that time of the evening when the early dusk renders everything in shades of grey and I couldn't make out what he was carrying.   We were both dwarfed by juggernauts moving livestock, lumber and sugarcane down the long road to Johannesburg.  I was alone in my hire-car and had a three hour journey ahead of me: we hadn't moved in ten minutes. 

  
He came closer and tilted his offering towards me.  All I could see was a pile of something gleaming in my headlights.  Then he was at my window and I was looking at a dark heart, a pair of lungs and a shiny, coiled intestine.   Artfully arranged on a steel board.  My stomach clenched in a moment of pure horror - and then I realised: we're in cattle country. 

I smiled and shook my head and he laughed:  of course not. A crowded taxi pulled out of the traffic onto the shoulder and he turned towards real customers.  Clamouring for the offal.  He gave me one last smile and plunged into his negotiations. 

  
A true entrepreneur.  

A right old carry-on

It's hard to know exactly what went wrong - but the last week of the holiday was a bust.  I don't think my companions would mind me saying that - though they undoubtedly have their own words to describe it.  For me, it was challenging, disappointing, uncomfortable and occasionally fun.  

I spent the flight home asking myself why is it so difficult to have a successful holiday with people you really like, and sometimes even love?  

Psychologists rank going on holiday as being the fourth most potent relationship stressor:  after death, moving house and childbirth.  Why is that?  Does the sun bring out the worst in us?  Are we untruthful about our expectations? Or do we not pay attention to the fine print - misreading a trek through the Andes for a beach vacation in Antigua?   

Or, if a vacation’s success depend on whether we are either energised or enervated by the challenges presented us, is it just a character thing?  

I think it is, in part.  It's about emotional flexibility.  About managing your own expectations and about being able to embrace ambivalence.  And seeing the travel and the inevitable delays or problems as part of the trip - not as life-threatening.

I also believe it's about timing. It's about knowing when to go and when to stay. About identifying how much we can actually deal with at that moment.  It's about acknowledging that this holiday, for whatever reason, might not be the right option for us, right now.  And that sometimes ‘she travels lightest who stays at home'*.

But, ultimately, I think it's a baggage thing.  We all drag invisible carry-on with us. We take with us our fears of being in uncontrolled environments, our feelings of inadequacy, our dislike of surprise or change. We pack the anxiety of not being understood, of becoming vulnerable, of being lost.  We bring along our life hopes and expectations, then try and graft them onto our new environment.  

This luggage may not weigh anything at check-in.  But it can cost us dearly on arrival.  Because it sits, unpacked and mouldering in our rooms.  And our companions have to try and manoeuvre around something no-one (including ourselves) knows is there.  An impossibility that can result in an inevitable tripping up and falling out.  Fortunately we didn't get to that place. And I am not too sure how we avoided it - maybe the strength of our friendships or empathy with each other's situation over-rode our frustrations.  But we could have.

(*apologies to Thoreau. And Kipling, after.)

Under the Volcano

My landlord is an awkward man - in a number of ways.  He cuts people off when they are speaking, refuses to engage with anyone who doesn't interest him, and says he has to leave Sicily because he can't stand the expats.  He says they never tell you the whole story; you're always left guessing about something.

It's when I'm standing at the top of a roaring highway, looking up through the smog at the volcano - that I realise I can see his point.  After all - when he told me how to get to Mount Etna (a bus, a train, another bus, another train) - he omitted to mention that the first bus of the day is also the only bus of the day.  So here I am, in Catania, fresh off the train he recommended I take.  Only I am half an hour late and 20 miles short.   And that's as close as I am going to get to the mountain today.

I've been sent from pillar to post by the locals - all unwilling to tell the 'stranieri' that her trip wasn't going to happen.  Eventually a woman at a local travel agency confirms my fears.  "And so", she says;  "there are now only two things you can do.  One is to go home.  The other is to go to the market and then to the church where we are celebrating the Festa della Madona del Carmine."  

Santa Carmine is the patron of the Carmelite nuns.  I was brought up Catholic so this intrigued me.  And so, of course, I opt for the latter.

The market was packed with humans and with goods.  Heaping scales of fish, miles of shoes, seas of swimsuits, acres of fruit and veg.  Pradda, Guccy, hamsters and trilling red-beaked songbirds.  I love it. How come we don't have markets like this?    Why did we turn a real-life, in-yo-mouth adventure into a stroll down the sanitised aisles of a supermarket?  This is much more fun.

I make my way into the church.  It is roiling with worshippers.  They have bought long, drooping, yellow-wax candles and handed them over to young noviates outside who were setting them alight.  Molten wax was everywhere, the smoke stinging our eyes.   White flowers are bunched up on all the altars and their scent is making it hard to breathe.  The women and children are wearing rough brown cassocks with little string necklaces, bearing S. Carmine's likeness.  People were coming and going, taking calls on their mobile phones.  Children were crying and the organ was severely out of tune from the heat.  I sat watching for a while until the humidity and constant jostling became unbearable.  On the way out I noticed the holy-water font was parched.  Not bloody surprising.

I walked until I found myself again confronted with a distant Etna, then I gave up.  It was just too hot and the joke was getting old.   I stood at the bus stop for 20 minutes.  An old woman insisted on showing me her arm muscles.  Earned, she insisted, from carrying such heavy bags.  She was strong, she said, 'forza' and mimed boxing my jaw.  Like she needed it - her breath could have killed me at 10 paces.  Losing interest in me, she got into an argument with another old lady - something to do with the 'scifo' quality of the bread on offer at the Spar.  The fault of shit American grain they're using.  Next thing everyone at the bus-stop is involved, screeching at each other.  Then the bus arrives and they all stop and hustle onto it.  Except for most vociferous of them all, a tiny old bat, the height of a 7 year old, who suddenly turns frail and asks the 'bella signora' for money.  I stepped over her.

A crazy gets onto the bus behind me and starts singing 'Volare' loudly in my face.  I could see his spit hitting my sunglasses.  I move to the back of the bus and he follows me, still singing.  I am almost beside myself at this point and suddenly hear myself shouting "LEAVE ME ALONE".   The bus stops abruptly, he gets off and everyone goes quiet and looks off towards the horizon and the volcano.  Mortified by my eruption.

It's time to move on.  And I am tomorrow.  Naples for a day then meeting up with Carla and Karen for a week on the Cilento Coast.  It'll be fun to drink a glass of wine with someone I know.